Today’s post is from Secular Mornings’ guest author, Jack Kelly.
Today’s text is an excerpt from the book “The Consolations of Philosophy” by Alain de Botton:
Another consolation for accusations of abnormality is friendship, a friend being, among other things, someone kind enough to consider more of us normal than most people do. We may share judgements with friends that would in ordinary company be censured for being too caustic, sexual, despairing, daft, clever or vulnerable - friendship a minor conspiracy against what other people think of as reasonable.
Like Epicurus, Montaigne believed friendship to an essential component of happiness:
“In my judgement the sweetness of well-matched and compatible fellowship can never cost too dear. O! A friend! How true is that ancient judgement, that the frequenting of one is more sweet than the element water, more necessary than the element fire.”
For a time, he was fortunate enough to know such fellowship. At the age of twenty-five, he was introduced to a twenty-eight-year-old writer and member of the Bordeaux Parlement, Etienne de la Boetie. It was friendship at first sight: “We were seeking each other before we set eyes on each other because of the reports we had heard … we embraced each other by our names. And at our first meeting, which chanced to be at a great crowded town-festival, we found ourselves so taken with each other, so well acquainted, so bound together, that from that time on nothing was so close to us as each other”
…
The friendship would not have been so valuable if most people had not been so disappointing - if Montaigne had not had to hide so much of himself from them. The depth of his attachment to La Boetie signaled the extent to which, in his interactions with others, he had been forced to present only an edited image of himself to avoid suspicion and raised eyebrows. Many years later, Montaigned analyzed the source of his affections for La Boetie:
“Luy seul jouyssoit de ma vraye image”.
He alone had the privilege of my true portrait.
That is, La Boetie, uniquely among Montaigne’s acquaintances - understood him properly. He allowed him to be himself; through his psychological acuity, he enabled him to be so. He offered scope for valuable and yet until then neglected dimensions of Montaigne’s character - which suggests that we pick our friends not only because they are kind and enjoyable company, but also, perhaps more importantly, because they understand us for who we think we are.
(Pages 146 - 147)
This passage resonated with me by articulating what it is about certain friendships that are so special: being able to feel deeply seen and truly understood.
I think this insight about friendships touches on a key role that both romantic and platonic relationships play: they act as a mirror and let us see ourselves through our interactions with the other person.
Montaigne seemed to struggle to feel seen by most everyone except La Boetie and felt like he had to edit himself and hide his nature. This makes me think of my own struggles to feel seen and connect with people when I was in middle school and high school. Feeling recognized and appreciated for who you are is a prerequisite to achieving a real sense of belonging.
I think to a large extent it is possible to transition from invisibility to feeling seen by learning to become more vulnerable and by putting yourself out there without needing to meet the perfect friend who understands you. But ultimately, I concur with Montaigne that there is something uniquely amazing about finding a friend who gets you on a very very deep level. Finding such a person is like finding a needle in a haystack and I count myself very lucky to have met 2 or 3 such people in my life thus far.
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